


( Should I try to hide ) The way I feel inside

by JLioness



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Don't worry it's not pandemic related, Drinking age is 18, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, High School is Three Years Long, Leah and Toni are bffs, Lowkey Toni Centric, Martha and Shelby are bffs, Mention of Latin American Culture, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Pet Names, Rachel and Dot and Leah and Toni all play basketball, Shelby isn't religious, Soft Toni Shalifoe, Toni was adopted, Triplets, Underage Drinking, class of 2020, seriously they are so cute i swear, tagging it just to make sure everyone is safe and comfortable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:13:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29336601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JLioness/pseuds/JLioness
Summary: 12:19 p.m, you're like my person, you know?shelbs , 12:20 p.m. I know. You're mine too.
Relationships: Becca Gilroy/Shelby Goodkind (mentioned), Fatin Jadmani/Toni Shalifoe (mentioned), Martha Blackburn & Shelby Goodkind, Nora Reid & Rachel Reid & Toni Shalifoe, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe, Toni Shalifoe & Leah Rilke
Comments: 37
Kudos: 176





	1. The party I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you like it! don't forget to leave a comment if you do!

June 2019 - 11th Grade

" Can you chill, Leah? We will get in just fine." Toni tried to calm her best friend down just before two big security guards asked for their ID's.

As the short girl handed over her fake but very convincing driver's license to the man before her, she could see out of the corner of her eyes Leah fidgeting nervously. Hugging herself and biting down her lip as the other man took her fake ID from her shaking hands. Toni rolled her eyes. She had told Leah beforehand that her top, more accurately a black lacy bra, was too thin and she'd be cold before they even got in the club. And she had been right even though Leah insisted _" Alcohol will keep me warm. Plus, I can always borrow some guy's jacket. "_

"Eighteen, hum? "

Toni knew the man didn't believe it for a second. It didn't matter because he would let her in anyway. This club was known for hosting High School parties full of minors as long as the organizers kept the police away and took any responsibility in case anything went wrong.

So, she replied with a cocky smile, " Yes. Freshly legal, just last week ". It wasn't a complete lie. Her birthday had indeed been the week before. She, however, was freshly seventeen.

Both security guards shared a look and stepped aside the door allowing them to get in.

Toni gave Leah a weak punch on the shoulder " Told you we would get in " she said smiling. The older girl, but only by two weeks as Toni felt the need to emphasize, asked if they should get their drunk level going. The party had just started. Only a couple seniors responsible for putting it together and some freshman who had clearly never drank before were there. They knew it was better to be early since the line would be faster and the security more patient. _" More time to enjoy the Open Bar "_ they had said to each other just before getting in the Uber that had taken them there.

" Sure, I'll get a beer for me and something mixed with juice for you, sounds good? " Toni asked.

" Oh, Antonia. You know me so well. " Leah mocked, dramatically putting her hands to her chest, " Yes, I'd like that. "

Toni rolled her eyes at being called by her full name but still playfully bowed as she went to the bar.

//

As the club got crowded, Toni and Leah got more and more drunk. What's the fun in getting a - very expensive - fake ID to go to a party and not get completely hammered, right?

" So, who are we looking at today, Lee? "

The girls had this inside joke, not much of a joke much more of a very unethical habit, that consisted of making a list of the people they had set as their goals for the night. More accurately, the boys Leah found hot and the girls Toni thought aside from being attractive were at least bicurious.

" No preference today, T. The more, the merrier. It's our last party before becoming seniors. And God knows next year senior boys won't be as cute. "

Toni laughed at her friend's answer and shook her head in agreement. She also didn't have anyone in mind. She'd been talking to this Linh girl but nothing too serious.

" You're right. I should go find Linh then, before she graduates and I...", Toni was interrupted mid sentence by a way too tight of a hug from someone who had just seen her earlier that Friday.

" Toni! You're here! ", Shelby exclaimed as Toni hugged her back.

" Yes, I told you I'd be here. Wait, where's Martha? I thought you were coming together "

Her hands were holding Shelby still by her hips but loose enough that Shelby could take her face out of the crook of Toni's neck and answer.

" Hey, Leah! Long time don't see" - she joked, Leah and Shelby were in the same class for every subject for the except extracurricular Advanced Spanish which was the only class she shared with Toni - " She got held up outside. You know Ian, the senior who pretty much organized this? Well, he told me to come in so it would be less suspicious or something. He said he would get her inside in no time. "

The best friends, well Toni did since Leah was apparently too distracted with her drink after giving Shelby a polite smile, simply nodded in understanding before the blonde continued.

" Rachel and Nora didn't come? "

Rachel and Nora were Toni's twins. Quite literally. Their biological parents had them the same day Toni was born. After learning that the baby in the crib next to their twins at the maternity wing didn't have that much of a well prepared set of parents - a drug addicted mother and a deadbeat father - they decided to adopt her there and then. They joke around that they are triplets because the three of them share the same birthday but it's always been clear that they weren't. Not biologically anyway because although Toni wasn't exactly white, she wasn't black either. Regardless of DNA, they were raised as if they were and their shared bond made them feel closer than regular sisters. So, to make it simpler, they were triplets but like not really.

" Nah. You know Nor, she is not really into this kind of stuff and Rach didn't feel like coming. " Toni replied as she moved a little bit away from Shelby and put her right hand inside her own back pocket.

" Hey, hate to interrupt but Ian was right. Martha is right there at the bar with Dot. ", Leah pointed out.

Shelby turned around to be able to see. " She is, isn't she? Well, they must be looking for me. Catch you later? ", the blonde asked Toni, giving her hand a squeeze.

Toni just nodded and smiled.

" Ok. Bye Leah, nice seeing you outside of school ", and left.

Toni turned her face back to her friend as she asked:

" Did you know Dot was coming? "

Dot was one of Toni and Leah's teammates. They've been playing for the same basketball team since before High School.

" Not really, figured this wasn't her thing but I guess she's changed a lot since freshman year. " Toni replied, taking a sip of her now third, maybe fourth drink.

" You mean last year? Yeah, High School changes people. Look at you, you're like so gay now! " Leah joked back.

" Oh shut up, Lee. I've always been pretty gay. "

And she wasn't lying. She had always known she felt some kind of way towards girls but it wasn't until her teenage years that she understood the depth and meaning of those feelings. Toni had told Leah she might like girls when they were thirteen at a birthday party in the beginning of 8th grade. Actually, " might " had been an understatement. Not a year later at a different birthday party Toni kissed a girl for the first time. Inside a bathroom stall. " Same sex couple's privilege ". Fatin, the girl she was with, had joked.

" I know, I know. You're are gay as fuck. Anyway, What were you saying about Linh before Shelby almost killed you with that hug? "

" Jealous, Leah? How many times have I told you that you are my best friend?" Toni noticed Leah didn't think her comment was as amusing as she'd hoped, so she continued, " It's Shelby. We just get along really well. It's a different kind of friendship. "

" Yeah, a ' I had a crush on you when we first met and our entire friendship started based on the fact that I wanted to kiss you senseless but you are straight and here we are four years later pretending that never happened ' kind of friendship. "

Instead of thinking of a comeback, Toni very maturely stuck her tongue out at Leah before changing the subject back to the senior girl she'd been talking to.

//

They found Linh. And a boy for Leah. They also stumbled upon more booze. It was all a bit of a blur if Toni was being honest. The only thing she remembers clearly is seeing Shelby again at the dance floor with Martha and Dot. Toni told Leah she would go and say hi again and maybe dance with them for a little. Her friend gave her a thumbs up and went along.

Toni pulled Shelby in for a hug. Actually, she didn't remember that part all that clearly. She has no idea who leaned in first. She just knows she is kissing her very straight best - don't tell Leah! - friend.

Ok, not very straight. Shelby had confided in her a year earlier that she might like girls. But that had been it. She wasn't as sure of it as Toni and had never made a move on any, again, unlike Toni, but she thought that she had had some very gay thoughts about this Becca girl she met during winter break.

Toni pulled away first. But only for a quick second so she could make sure this was actually happening. And there they were, the prettiest pair of green eyes looking back at her slightly confused. Shelby opened her mouth as if to protest but Toni just smiled and kissed her again before she could say anything.


	2. The year they met

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you like it! don't forget to leave a comment if you do!

_March 2016 - 8th grade_

_" Shelby. " said the pretty girl sitting in the seat next to hers, " That's my name. "_

_" Toni. "_

_" Yeah, I know. " seeing the confused look on Toni's face she continued " You're Nora's sister, right? We are in the same Spanish class. "_

_" Oh, you're Shelby. The Shelby in her Spanish class that she always tells me about. I think I had never seen you around before now. "_

_Shelby laughed at Toni's comment even though the brunette didn't understand what had been so funny about it._

_" She also told me about you. And your other triplet, Rachel. All it took for us to meet was a school bus ride to an event outside of school, then. "_

_" I guess so. " Toni smiled, mostly to herself._

  
_Shelby was fun. A lot of fun, actually. Toni was surprised by how much she liked the other girl within an hour of meeting her. Shelby was more carefree than Toni had ever been. She couldn't care less what people thought of her. At least she acted like she didn't. She was just herself unapologetically so. " A little bit of a nerd ", as Toni would make a habit of playfully mocking her from now on._

_//_

_" I met your friend today. At the school event I went to. Shelby " Toni told Nora during dinner trying to act as unbothered as she possibly could._

_Apparently, she was not the best actress because at the same time Nora opened her mouth to answer, Rachel raised her eyebrows at her. Toni gave her a head signal and one then to Nora meaning they would talk about it later._

_" She is nice. I like her. She listens to what I have to say and actually pays attention "_

_Toni had no doubt that was true. The Shelby she met was as sweet as described._

_Dinner went on as usual. Rachel and Toni talked a bit about basketball. Their dad insisted he still knew how to speak Italian. Their mom and Nora quoted Rumi and other famous philosophers any time they saw fit._

_//_

_After dinner was over and the girls had tidied up the kitchen. Rachel called for a triplets reunion._

_" What happened? " Nora asked, oblivious, as she allowed herself to be gently dragged, as gentle as Rachel and Toni could be, to their shared studying room._

_" Toni has a crush on Shelby " Rachel stated looking proud of her discovery._

_" No way. She just met her. Well, Toni does have this horrible, truly horrible, habit of quickly becoming obsessed with pretty girls. " Nora pointed out_

_" Shut up you two. I literally just met her. Yes, I think she is cute but, like, that's it. " Toni stomped her feet as a child._

_" Yeah, ok, Toni. As if we of all people weren't able to tell when you have a crush " Rachel made one last comment before calling dibs on the shower._

_They were right, as usual. Obviously, Toni thought Shelby was drop dead gorgeous but it was more than that._

_//_

_From that bus ride on, Toni and Shelby became inseparable. They texted during and after school hours everyday. And even though they didn't share any classes, Toni would always make the effort of waiting for Shelby before school started and walking her to her first class._

_Toni had a crush. A big fat crush. And if she was being honest she knew she wasn't the most subtle about it. Still, she didn't care. It's not like Shelby would know for sure. Toni hadn't even told her she liked girls yet._

_//_

_May 2016 - 8th grade_

_It wasn't until the triplet's birthday party the same year that Toni told her._

_" I like girls. Like, I really like girls. In the way I'm supposed to feel about guys. "_

_" Ok. I still love you and I don't care, you know that right? "_

_Toni didn't expect Shelby to hate her. She knew it was irrational to assume someone her age would be a raging homophobe. Moreover, they had talked about LGBTQ+ topics before. Even so, she felt a weight being lifted off her shoulders. Coming out was always scary. Or at least Toni thought so at fourteen._

_" I do now. " Toni said, allowing Shelby to embrace her._

_//_

_June 2016 - 8th grade_

_" You have such a pretty smile. " Shelby said, catching Toni off guard._

_" Thanks? "_

_Toni wouldn' ever admit it but she was a little embarrassed. And very much confused. They were talking, like they always do before class, and Shelby's comment came out of nowhere._

_" You're welcome. I mean it. You're like perfect. You have a nice smile. I don't have to tell you that you're gorgeous. And you're nice. And funny. " Shelby paused._   
_Toni waited patiently for Shelby to finish her line of thought even though she felt like literal butterflies would rip out of her stomach at any time now._

_" You would totally be my type if you were a boy. "_

_And with that last sentence Toni felt every single one of the butterflies dropping dead. She pretended like nothing was wrong and did what she does best when in a situation she doesn't want to be in. She made a joke._

_" Well, thank you very much. You'd totally be my type too if you were a girl. "_

_//_

_It doesn't matter how many times Shelby told her she couldn't say it back. It's not like Toni didn't love Shelby as her friend. She did. But those ' loving friendship' feelings got mixed up with her ' crushing on Shelby ' feelings. She couldn't say it back because it made her feel as if she would be revealing too much of a big secret to her supposedly platonic friend._

_//_

_" I'll see you tomorrow. I love you. " Shelby said after they stopped in front of her house._

_Toni just nodded and kissed Shelby's forehead._

_" Text me when you're home! " Shelby yelled as Toni walked away._

_" I will. Don't worry. " Toni shouted back._

_//_

_" You are amazing! I L-O-V-E love you. " Shelby thanked Toni._

_" I'm flattered but it's just a bag of Takis you know? "_

_" Yes, but I'm starving because I didn't have lunch. Also, I didn't even ask for it. You just knew I'd want it. "_

_Toni laughed at the other girl's excitement and gave her a peck on the forehead before leaving to go to her own class._

_//_

_July 2016 - 8th grade_

_Toni snapped. She really did. She regretted the text the minute she hit send._

_**09:00a.m**. i like you. i didn't wanna tell you like this but apparently you have no idea how amazing you are i'm stuck in class. so i had no choice. i like you. i like the way you make me feel. i like the way your hand feels against mine. i like your hugs. i like the sound of you laughing. i like you. i like you enough to ask you for a chance because i sure as hell could make you happy. i'm worth it. and if you only gave me a chance i'd be able to show you. because i like you, shelby. and i'm tired of acting like i don't._

_Shelby had been complaining to her about some stupid boy she liked. The worst part? He didn't even know she existed!_

_**shelby goodkind, 09:13a.m.** Oh_

_**shelby goodkind, 09:13a.m.** You deserve someone who likes you back. As much as you like them._

_**09:13a.m.** but i want you_

_**shelby goodkind, 09:17a.m.** I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you._

_**09:18a.m.** i know. me neither._

_//_

_Things were weird between them for a while after the sudden declaration. She complained to Leah about it on a daily basis._

_" Toni. You aren't doing anything wrong by hugging her! It's not like you're groping her. " Leah said with her hands on Toni's shoulders trying to make her understand, " You're not,right? "_

_" What? God, no! I don't grope people Leah. "_

_" Calm down. It was a joke. You clearly need to get over this girl, your feelings for her make you even more rude. "_

_That was all that Toni wanted. She wanted to get over her crush so she could finally become friends with Shelby. Actual friends with no one sided unrequested feelings. Simply, friends._

_//_

_September 2016 - 9th grade_

_And Toni moved on. It took her the entirety of summer vacation to do so but she was finally free of those feelings._

_And it made her feel as if she could finally breathe around Shelby. She didn't watch her every move trying not to make a full of herself in front of the other girl. She could be herself without having to pretend being so smug all the time. She could actually develop a friendship with the girl she had dreamed of kissing for a long time._

_Everything was perfect. Shelby was amazing at playing naive and they could just go on with their lives. Toni was so over her very gay feelings for Shelby that she was genuinely surprised to hear those words coming out of her mouth._

_" Your parents what? " Toni almost yelled._

_" They know you're gay. "_

_Toni didn't know what to say. She stared at Shelby with her mouth hanging open until she received an explanation._

_" I kind of told them. I was making a point. A good one, you would have been proud. We somehow got to the subject of same sex attraction and you know how narrowminded they can be. They are stuck to these stupid steryotypes. "_

_" So they thought Dot was a lesbian? "_

_They both looked at each other and said at the same time laughing:_

_" Those cargo pants. "_

_" Anyway, then I just had to do something to make them realise that not all gay people dress the same and that they aren't the vulgar and impolite rebelious people they have in mind. "_

_" So you told them I liked girls? "_

_" Well, Yeah. And that Dot, contrary to popular belief, was straight. T, they like you. Scratch that, they love you. They really do. I just said it to shut them up about it. I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. It wasn't at all my intention. "_

_" No, no. I don't care. Wait, how did they react? "_

_" Exceptionally well, actually. My dad is kind of sorry for you. He didn't tell me in those exact words but I know that's just how he feels. And my mom, you know her, she doesn't say much what's on her mind. But they didn't say anything explicitly bad about it. They still think you are one of my most pleasant friends to have around. "_

_" I'm glad my rep remains intact. Honestly, as long as they are fine with us being friends, I couldn't care less if they know or not. " Toni said, giving Shelby a kiss on the forehead to make sure she knew everything was fine. " I can still come over and shit, right? " she asked suddenly feeling anxious_

_" Of course you can, Sweetie. I told you, they were weirdly ok with it. "_

_And that was enough for Toni._


	3. The party II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you like it! don't forget to leave a comment if you do!

June 2019 - 11th grade

_Toni pulled away first. But only for a quick second so she could make sure this was actually happening. And there they were, the prettiest pair of green eyes looking back at her slightly confused. Shelby opened her mouth as if to protest but Toni just smiled and kissed her again before she could say anything._

The next time they pulled away was because Dot was shouting at them.

" Finally. I'm thirsty and definitely not drunk enough to keep watching you two suck each other's face " Dot said as if she hadn't been the one to interrupt them in the first place.

Toni could feel the heat coming up her neck and couldn't help but check if Shelby was feeling breathless too. She was frozen in place, actually, with her cheeks turned red. Toni decided to step in to wake the blonde girl from her trance.

" Go ahead. I'll text you later to find out where you are. " Toni said, giving Shelby a peck on the lips, for the first time, and one on her forehead like she always did. 

// 

" What the hell was that? " Leah finally asked.

" No idea. " Toni answered as she got into one of the bathroom stalls. 

It was not the ideal toilet. It was disgusting and the floor was sticky but their marathon drinking called for extreme measures. Leah just laughed at the answer and told Toni to " Hurry the hell up " because she also had to pee and someone had to hold their phones.

" I didn't think it would ever happen. " - if Toni was being honest she would have told Leah that Shelby had been flirting with her since the beginning of the semester - " I mean, there were times I wanted it to happen " - all the times Shelby's hand would linger a little too long on Toni's arm when she reached over to borrow something from her desk- " Even after I got over that stupid crush I had when we first met, but like I didn't want it enough to ruin our friendship again. " - actually, she thought Shelby was the one who didn't want it enough or that maybe she was reading too much into things. 

" I thought she was straight. " 

" Yeah. " was the only thing Toni could say, " Here, give me our stuff and go have a piss so we can leave this fucking bathroom. "

// 

  
  


**01:07 a.m.** sheeelbs

 **01:07 a.m.** wya ????

 **01:08 a.m.** i wanna kiss you again

Toni was drunk. Completely. Absolutely. Exaggeratedly drunk. So drunk she didn't even care if she sounded clingy. She wanted to kiss her best friend and she wanted it now. 

**shelbs, 01:08a.m.** Gimme a minute, honey

 **shelbs, 01:08a.m.** I gotta find someone to stay with Dot since Martha is somewhere with someone named Marcus

 **shelbs 01:09a.m.** And I don't want us to be interrupted again

Toni knew Shelby was as drunk as her because she would never use contractions if she weren't. And the lack of punctuation made it quite obvious. 

**shelbs, 01:10:** Meet me behind the stairs at the back of the dance floor? 

She didn't even bother answering. Leah was off flirting with a senior and Toni had somewhere to be. 

// 

" Hey " Shelby smiled at her. " I don't think I had the chance to tell you but you look really good with that shirt " 

Toni was wearing a black short sleeve button down shirt with drawings of skulls and snakes all over it. 

_" It suits you. Scary and heartless. " Rachel had said when they went out to buy it._

_" What our dear sister meant, Toni, is that it fits your whole ' looking like a bad girl ' agenda. " Nora had added._

Toni straightened herself up and put her arms around Shelby's waist turning them around to put the taller girl against the wall.

" You too. As usual. " 

And their lips touched again. More desperately this time. 

" Is this ok? " Toni asked before tentatively putting her hands on the other girl's lower back. 

Shelby didn't answer with words. Rather, she moved Toni's hands herself to where she wanted them and went back to kissing her. Shelby's nails started scratching the back of Toni's head as the other tightened her grip around her, possessively.

" Can I? " It was Shelby's turn to make sure before tugging at Toni's hair so she could have better access to her neck. 

" This feels good. " Toni almost didn't manage to say it out loud.

" It's supposed to. " 

And they kissed for what felt like hours to Toni. They had no reason for stopping until he showed up.

" Hey, girls! Looking hot this evening, mind if I join? " 

Toni could feel her blood boiling. And from the look on Shelby's face she knew she wasn't that calm either. 

" Just ignore him. He will leave. " Toni said, trying to cover Shelby's body with her own. 

Toni knew better than to pick up a fight with someone drunker and stronger than her. She had had her fair share of experiences with punching homophobic assholes and, unless she had back up, she would much rather take the safer path of simply disregarding them. She couldn't risk putting Shelby in danger. Not ever and especially not over a boy she had never even seen before right now.

" But- "

" Shelbs. Trust me. He will leave us alone if we don't pay him any attention. " 

And that was exactly what happened. He left as soon as he realised that no matter what he said he wouldn't receive an answer. 

" Does this happen often? " Shelby asked, clearly, still annoyed.

" Sometimes. They feel entitled to watch and say whatever they want as if we were putting up a show for them. " 

" That's awful, Toni "

" Is it bad that I want to say it's worth it as long as I get to kiss you? "

" Oh, shut up! " Shelby shoved Toni playfully by the shoulders, " Now, where were we? "

//

" Shelby " Toni said in between kisses, " Baby, I have to go check on Leah "

" Do you really have to? " Shelby asked, squeezing her at all the right places. 

" My phone is buzzing like crazy and it's probably her fault. " Toni replied weakly, distracted by Shelby kissing down her neck, " Weren't you going home with Martha? Do you even know where she is? "

" Fine. " 

" Come on, Shelbs. " she said, kissing the blonde's pout away, " I'll go with you. Just give me a minute to text Lee where to find me. " 

Shelby held her phone to her ear with one hand and grabbed Toni's hand with the other. 

" She is waiting for me at the door. Walk me there? "

//

**shelbs, 02:59 a.m.** Just got to Marty's house 

**shelbs, 02:59 a.m.** I'm spending the night here

 **shelbs, 03:00 a.m.** Let me know when you are home, please

 **03:04 a.m.** we're gonna leave soon

 **03:04 a.m.** ok maybe not imma do shots with leah

 **03:05 a.m.** go to bed babe i will call you to let you know i'm home safe

 **03:05 a.m.** gotta go the dance floor calls 

//

  
  



	4. The first year of High School

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you like it! don't forget to leave a comment if you do!

_September 2017 - 10th grade_

_" I'm going insane. I swear to God. " Toni said dropping her bag on the floor_

_" Ok. Sit down and tell me what happened. " Shelby pointed to the spot next to hers on the bleachers_

_" Why the fuck is High School so fucking hard? It's the second week and I'm already behind! "_

_" That's not too bad, Honey. We just have to figure out a better schedule for you. "_

_" Rachel is fine and she has practice as often as I do. Nora takes more extracurriculars than the both of us combined. Plus, all of us take Advanced Spanish. "_

_" It's almost like you are three different people with different needs, hum? "_

_Toni knew that. She knew she shouldn't compare herself to her sisters. She knew it was useless to do so. But it was so hard not to. And she was so used to measuring up her worth by that comparison._

_" My mom is already hovering as if disaster were about to happen at any time now. "_

_" Well, is it? "_

_" I'm fine. I'm just stressed out. "_

_" You don't have to pretend to be strong all the time when you are with me, Toni " Shelby pulled her in for a hug._

_And as if a faucet had been opened, Toni started bawling her eyes out._

  
_" I'm sorry " she said in between sobs, " I didn't mean to cry on you "_

_" Hey, hey, hey stop that, this is what friends are for. No one else is here. You can cry all you need. Let me take care of you. "_

_They stayed like that for a while. Toni had her face buried in Shelby's hair as the blonde rubbed soothing circles on her back until her breath became more regular._

_//_

_" I told my parents. "_

_" I thought your parents already knew you were a lesbian. "_

_" What? Yes, they've known since I was fourteen. But that's not even close to what I'm talking about. I'm talking about me puking twice last week because I was feeling angry and anxious. "_

_" Oh! Sorry. My bad. " Shelby laughed, " I'm paying attention. What did they say? "_

_" They said they were sorry for not realising I was suffering sooner and that they would do anything in their power to help me learn how to deal with my anxiety. "_

_" It wasn't bad at all, then. I told you that it was their job to worry about it regardless you want it or not. "_

_And she had in fact said those exact words to Toni the week before when she found her throwing up in the parking lot._

_" At least one of us has to know better when it comes to my wellbeing. We are seeing a therapist this week. Since I've also been having some trouble sleeping I might start taking some meds. "_

_" Why do you look like you're waiting for me to start judging you? "_

_" Because I am. "_

_" Honey. I'd never judge you for needing medicine to feel better. Actually, I am proud of you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable for a hot minute and ask for help. "_

_" You spoil me too much with your words. "_

_" Yeah, yeah I know. You're an angry monster who is not used to affection. Now let me spoil you with some ice cream or something. Want to go to McDonald's? Or would you rather we went somewhere else? "_

_" It doesn't matter. You won me at ice cream, Baby. I'll go get the car. "_

_//_

_November 2017 - 10th grade_

_" And I'd like to give the first piece of cake to someone who's become really important to me this past year. We are closer than ever and I simply can't imagine life without her anymore. Toni. "_

_The basketball player just smiles, suddenly feeling shy. For someone as cocky as her, she hated having all the attention to her. Well, at least when she wasn't the one drawing it to herself._

_She hugged Shelby with one arm around her waist while she held the plate on the other._

_" Love you " she whispered, giving the blonde a peck on the forehead._

_//_

_**12:17 p.m.** it's officially not your birthday anymore but before we move on i just wanted to say thank you. _

_**12:17 p.m.** about the cake _

_**12:18 p.m.** and everything else _

_**12:18 p.m.** i know you got martha and i got leah _

_**12:18 p.m.** and i guess nora and rachel cuz they are my twins after all _

_**12:19 p.m.** anyway, i know all that but you're my best friend _

_**12:19 p.m,** you're like my person, you know? _

_**shelbs, 12:20 p.m.** I know. You're mine too. _

  
  


_//_

  
  


_January 2018 - 10th Grade_

_" Why do you keep saying I'm straight? " Shelby interrupts Toni._

_They were driving back to school after going out for lunch._

_It was Friday which meant they had an extended lunch period before their Advanced Spanish class in which they were lucky to have been placed in the same group. Nora and Rachel, not so much, they had the same class but on Thursday's._

_Since it was their first time having lunch together since winter break they decided to go to Shelby's favorite, the Cheesecake factory, at the mall nearby._

_" Because? Sorry, where is this coming from? "_

_" What if I'm not? "_

_Toni knew she was, though. Shelby had told her herself the year before High School. " You would totally be my type if you were a boy ". Of course, she said that before she knew about Toni's massive crush on her. The point is, Toni had been sure that Shelby was straight._

_" What if I found out I might like girls? "_

_" In that case it would be my first time hearing about this "_

_And then Shelby told her all about Becca. She told Toni about how she felt goosebumps whenever Becca touched her hand by accident when riding the subway. And how pretty she thought Becca looked with her curly brown hair._

_" It sounds like you had a crush "_

_It turns out Toni hadn't done the best assessment of the environment because Shelby now looked as if she was even more fearful than before._

_" Shelbs, come on. You know I don't care. And it doesn't necessarily have to mean anything. Maybe you had a crush on a girl once or maybe it's going to become a thing. It's really no big deal, ok? I got you no matter what. "_

_" Yeah. I know. It's just a mess really._

_She took Shelby's hand in hers and gave her an encouraging smile before looking back to the road ahead._

_Toni knew it was a mess._

_She had heard countless stories about her friend's parents before._

_The overbearing. The control. The obsession with perfection._

_Don't get Toni wrong. She liked Mr and Mrs Goodkind. They were sweet to her and always welcoming. And Toni spent a lot of time at their place. It was within walking distance from school and as the girls became closer, they went there more. In between extracurriculars. After a long day at school. Just hanging out before and afterclass._

_Toni, however, didn't always agree with their parenting decisions._

_She was used to her way more understanding and listening parents._

_She didn't like that they made her perfectly smart best friend feel like she had to study even more. She didn't like that they made her already perfectly fit best friend feel like she had to eat less ( because, really, in Toni's opinion she already was and would always be breathtaking )._

_But most importantly she didn't like that they were lowkey bigots._

_//_

_February 2018 - 10th Grade_

_" Can I have a hug? " Shelby asked, teary eyed._

_" Of course you can, Baby. Come here. Do you want to talk about it? "_

_" I don't want to be a burden. I'll be fine if you need to study. " she said, taking a look at Toni's school material scattered all over the table._

_" No sense. The library will be here later, I can come back after practice. " Toni interrupted the blonde girl in her arms, " Do you want to go to my car? We can drive around or just have somewhere quieter for us. What do you say? "_

_//_

_It didn't take long for Shelby to stop crying. It had been a stressful week because of the finals and she just needed to get it out of her system. And Toni was with her the whole time._

_" Why don't you let other people see this side of you? "_

_" What do you mean? "_

_" You act so tough all the time. But you are literally the sweetest person I know. "_

_" I just don't like- " Toni tried to explain herself before Shelby said it for her_

_" Being vulnerable around people you don't trust. I know that. What I cannot understand is why you think being thoughtful is a bad thing. It's not like you're going to be made fun of for being a good person "_

_" I can get hurt. If people know I care, they know they can hurt me. " the last word came out of Toni's mouth lower than a whisper._

_" You are getting hurt either way. But the way you're doing it right now, you are hurting in silence. "_

_Shelby put a loose strand of Toni's hair behind her ear as they had a silence battle of who would look away first._

_Toni did._

_" I'm just built like this. Is that so wrong? "_

_" As long as you never put up a persona for me. "_

_" I never pretend in front of you. I don't have to. "_

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! 
> 
> it might take me longer ( than a day ) to post the next chapter but i promise it'll be worth it!
> 
> lemme know what you are thinking of this so far in the comments!!


	5. The aftereffect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i know i said i'd take a while longer to post this but i got excited and ended up writing and editing the whole thing in a day so sorry if it's a little shitty lol
> 
> hope you like it! don't forget to leave a comment if you do!

June 2019 - 11th Grade

" What time do you want to leave? "

Toni had no idea what time it was. She barely had any idea what her name was after too many shots and moving around like a crazy person on the dance floor. She knew, however, that she wasn't ready to leave just yet. It was her last party with Leah before senior year, they had to make the most of it. 

" I don't care but if we aren't leaving in an hour or so we should do more shots " Toni slurred pulling Leah in for a hug, " I barely got to see you tonight! " 

" You were busy with Shelby " she answered in a mocking voice not really upset

" Leah. It was Shelby. And she wanted me. I would have never forgiven me if I didn't take the chance "

" I know, I know. You've always been a sucker for her. Tequila? "

//

" Shelbs? " 

" Hi, honey " the blonde answered sleepily. She had clearly been woken up by the call.

" Just calling to let you know I'm home ok. " 

" Ok. Good. " 

" I'm still a little bit, ok very much so, drunk but we'll talk tomorrow? " 

" Me too. Pick me up for lunch? "

" Remind me to in case I forget but sounds good "

  
  


//

Toni woke up in Leah's room with a major hangover. Well, it is expected to when you drink your body weight in alcohol. She was about to curse her own past self for putting her in this situation until she remembered. 

" I kissed Shelby last night. " her eyes grew wide with the realisation, " I kissed Shelby fucking Godkind last night. " 

Startled, she started shuffling the sheats in a search for her phone. She needed to talk to Shelby. And " Where the fuck is Leah ? "

Almost as if she had felt Toni's anxiety growing bigger, Leah showed up with a cup of coffee in each hand. She handed Toni's go to Hogwarts themed mug before saying

" You kissed Shelby last night " 

" I know! What the hell was I on? " 

" Woah. I just said it to remind you because I remembered it when I was brewing coffee for us and almost couldn't hold in a laugh. Was it bad or something? "

" No. It was good. Like, making me freak out good " 

"Oh fuck. Here we go again." Leah muttered to herself , " Ok, don't tell me anything yet. Let me set up the table for breakfast first. We have to talk about parties over food. Don't spoil the tradition. " 

//

**triplethood**

**11:48 a.m.** good morning lovelies

**11:48 a.m.** can you let mom and dad know i'll be home after lunch? i texted them but just to be sure

**11:49 p.m.** i'm going out with shelby

**nor aka the smart sister, 11:52 a.m.** Good Morning! Will do.

**nor aka the smart sister, 11:52 a.m.** Did you have fun yesterday? 

**rachie aka the sporty sister, 11:53 a.m**. was shelby at the party? 

**11:53 a.m.** so shelby and i kinda kissed yesterday

**nor aka the smart sister, 11:53 11 a.m.** RACHEL IT'S HAPPENING THIS IS NOT A DRILL

**rachie aka the sporty sister, 11:54 a.m.** FUCK FUCK FUCK WE NEED A TRIPLETS REUNION AS SOON AS YOU GET HOME 

**11:54 a.m.** ok can i go now? i'm supposed to pick her up

**nor aka the smart sister, 11:54 a.m**. Is it a date?

**rachie aka the sporty sister, 11:54 a.m.** go get her tiger

**11:54 a.m.** fuck you both

**nor aka the smart sister, 11: 54 a.m.** We Love you too, Toni.

**rachie aka the sporty sister, 11:54 a.m.** we'll talk later, drive safe! love ya

**11:55 a.m.** love you

//

" Hi. I didn't forget. I'm parked a little down the street. " Toni said as soon as Shelby picked up the phone.

" Give me a minute to change and I'll be there. " 

// 

" Hey, Honey " Shelby said before sitting down, " How are you feeling? " and giving Toni a kiss on the cheek.

" Just a little tired. Drank a lot of coffee and water to try and wake myself up. You? "

" I'm good. " She answered with a smile, " Should we pick up something to eat first? Then we can talk? " 

" Sure. But only if I'm buying "

//

After they ate, still parked at the spot behind the restaurant, Toni decided it was time to have the talk. Apparently, Shelby thought the same. 

" So… " they both said at the same time and started laughing

" Sorry, Shelbs. You can go first " 

" Can we keep last night on the low? It's not because I'm ashamed because I'm N-O-T not, I'm just not sure if I'm ready for people to know and I haven't talked to my siblings yet and they could hear something and then my parents would know and this is coming off the wrong way. Sorry. I'm being an ass. " Shelby rambled. 

" Hey, hey, hey. It's chill. " Toni said, taking the blonde's hand in hers " I didn't expect you to and run a pride parade because we kissed at a party. I'd never ask you to come out because of it. " She touched Sheby's chin with her other hand, tilting it slightly up so she would look at her, "Honestly, no one could even tell it was us. It was dark and I'm pretty sure I had my hair all over your face the whole time.Your siblings go to school at a different period than us and no one would care enough to tell them. But, if your parents did find out, I'd be right there with you. I'm here, I want to be here for the whole ride. If you wanted, hell, even if you didn't, I'd go with you to talk to them. We would figure it out. Together. " 

" I needed to hear that. " 

" I needed to say it. " 

  
Toni almost got lost in Shelby's bright smile.

Now that the bureaucracies are out of the way. Can I ask your thoughts on yesterday? " 

" I didn't expect to like it as much as I did " Shelby confessed with a shyness in her voice that Toni had never heard before, " Even though I wanted it for a long time, I didn't think I'd enjoy it so much "

" You wanted this before last night? ' Toni asks with a hint of uncertainty in her voice. As if it was impossible for someone like Shelby to truly want her.

" For a while. There was this ongoing mutual flirting between us since the semester started, right? " 

" Well yeah, I guess. I didn't think it meant anything to you, though. "

" It did. " Shelby gave her hand a little squeeze, " You haven't told me your thoughts on it yet. "

" I liked it. So fucking much. Who would have known that kissing your best friend that knows exactly what you like because you have no boundaries when it comes to sharing secrets would be so good? " 

" Did you really have to ruin it with a dumb joke? " 

" Yes. Kind of did " Toni took a deep breath before continuing, " Shelby, I told my sisters about us. “ 

“ I thought you would. “

“ I just realised. It was such a on the spot decision that I almost forgot about it. I was telling them I'd be having lunch with you and it kind of slipped? I’m really sorry. I should’ve waited and talked to you about it first “

“ I’m not mad. You haven’t done anything wrong. “

//

They sat in comfortable silence, enjoying each other's company. Far too caught up in their own thoughts.

" What do we do now? What happens when we go back to school on Monday? "

" I think we have to wait and see. We're good as friends, there's no reason for us to change that. " 

" Oh come on, Shelby. We made out yesterday. We both liked it. But now we're going to pretend it didn't happen and never do it again? "

" I never said we wouldn't do it again. '' Shelby said already blushing, " I don't want us to rush into anything we might regret later on. Can we take this slow? " 

" Is this slow enough? " Toni murmured, leaning in without pressing their lips together until Shelby gave her the green light. 

" This is perfect. "

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> lemme know what you think is gonna happen next in the comments below :))
> 
> stay safe, see you on the next update!


	6. The realization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: PANIC ATTACK
> 
> ok, i updated the tags but just to be sure i wanted to say it again here.
> 
> in case you feel uncomfortable with this kind of thing ( although it is very mild ) feel free to skip the first scene titled April 2018 and go straight to June 2019. the following scene in the past doesn't talk explicitly about panic attacks but it is set on the same day as the first one so be careful. 
> 
> i don't want to keep you guys for long but make sure you read the end notes, please! i'd like to have a chat with you.
> 
> hope you like it!

  
_April 2018 - 10th Grade_

_Toni knew it was coming. She could feel it growing inside her as the voices inside the classroom got louder. She wanted to leave. She needed to._

_She couldn't, though, unless she wanted to bring attention to herself._

_She sat through the last five minutes of lass with her leg bouncing up and down as if it could ease the sickness in the pit of her stomach. Toni was the first out the door._

_" Get down the stairs, get my backpack in my locker and go to the closest bathroom. " was the only thought going through her mind._

_However, she didn't make it through the second flight of stairs until she bumped into known shoulders._

_" Hey! " if Toni hadn't been so distracted trying to keep sobs from escaping out of her mouth she might have noticed Shelby's excited face turn into a frown, " Hold on. What's going on? "_

_Toni couldn't keep it in any longer and let her panic attack take control over her so she could try to ride it out._

_  
_ _  
_ _" It's too loud. It's all too fucking loud, Shelby " she gripped the blonde's midsection in search for comfort. To protect herself from her own mind._

_" It's ok." she holds the smaller girl in her arms, covering Toni with her own body so the other students wouldn't recognize her, " Should we go to your locker? Did you bring your meds? "_

_Toni simply nodded and allowed herself to be escorted to her own locker._

_//_

_" Where is it? How many do you take? "_

_Shelby didn't have to worry about hiding Toni now. It had been a while since the bell rang and no one else was out in the hallway except for the duo._

_" Side pocket of my training bag. One tablet. " Toni tried to focus on calming herself down,_ _" I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm not dying " she muttered to herself._

_" Honey, do you take this with water? "_

_" It dissolves in my mouth "_

_" Ok. Sit down with me. "_

_" You'll be late to class. Go ahead, I'll be good in a minute. " her voice was still shaky._

_" Do I look like I would leave you? Fuck class, you're my priority " Shelby stared at Toni like she had just said the most absurd thing she'd ever heard. She softened her gaze before gently rubbing Toni's tears away, " Do you want to talk about it? Do you need me to drive you home? I can call your mom and we'll be out of here in no time. "_

_" I just need to breathe for a minute. "_

_" We can do that. " she gave her friend a soft smile as she ran her fingers through the brunette's hair whose head was on her chest, " You're safe. We're at school. I'm not going anywhere. "_

_//_

June 2019 - 11th Grade

" I'm home " Toni announced when she opened the door to her family's apartment. 

" Hello, darling. " Toni happily received her mother's kiss, " Your dad is in the kitchen cutting up some fruit for your sisters and you now that you're home. Rachel and Nora should be upstairs. " 

//

" Dad? I'm home "

" Hey, kiddo, how was the party? Here, have some kiwi. " 

She was about to thank her dad when she was interrupted by her sisters screams:

" Toni! Come up here! Triplet reunion now. " That was Rachel;

" And bring whatever it is that dad cut up for us. " now Nora.

" Thank you for the fruit, Dad! " both.

// 

Toni barely made in their shared studying place before the interrogation started:

" So are you guys a thing now? "

" How was it? " 

" Did you kiss again? "

" It took you long enough. "

" How did it even happen in the first place? " 

Toni could only stare back and forth between Rachel and Nora like she was watching a tennis match, patiently waiting for them to shut up so she could speak.

" No. Good. Yes. Don't know what you mean by that. No idea. " 

" Can you believe this, Nor? " 

" It's almost as if she thinks we will let her go without giving us the whole picture, Rach " 

" Cute " Toni said, shaking her head at her sister's rehearsed speech, " I was smashed last night. So was her. " 

" Go on… " the girls said in unison.

" I'm not sure how it happened. I got close to her on the dance floor to give her a hug and before I noticed, we were full on making out. " 

" Ok. spare us of that pornographic details, please " Rachel said, grimacing.

" You were the ones who asked for it! " Toni raised her arms to the air.

" How was lunch? " Nora drawed her sister's attention back to the subject of Shelby. 

" Good. We talked about it. We figured out we are keeping it on the low for now. We kissed again… " 

" Wait, wait, wait, you're going back into the closet? " Rachel intervened.

" I didn't say that! Chill with the accusatory tone, please. "

" Rach, Tons is a big girl. I'm sure she would never put herself in a situation in which she felt the need to hide herself for someone else, right? " 

" Thank you, Nor. I would never. " now looking at her other sister, " We kissed at a party! I don't go around telling people who I kiss at parties, why would it be different now? "

" Because it's Shelby, Toni! She is not like your other flings and you're really fucking dumb if your plan it's to treat her as one. " 

" Let her make her own choices, Rach. She needs to make her own mistakes. " 

" Look. Thank you for the concern but I know what I'm doing. Shelby is my best friend. " 

Toni didn't even wait for them to reply before turning on her heels to leave so she could cool off. Her sisters were looking out for her, she had no right to be mad about it.

Before closing the door to her own room, Toni swears she heard Rachel and Nora muttering under their breaths: 

" No, Leah is her best friend. Shelby is the girl she's been in love with since forever "

" She will figure it out, Rach " 

//

_April 2018 - 10th Grade_

**_shelbs, 07:04 p.m._ ** _Do you want to talk about what happened today?_

**_shelbs, 07:04 p.m._ ** _Over ice cream…_

**_07:05 p.m._ ** _i'll pick you up, gimme 15 minutes_

**_shelbs, 07:06 p.m._ ** _I'm here already, Honey. Come down._

**_07:06 p.m._ ** _how are you here, you don't have a car_

**_07:06 p.m._ ** _you had the guts to ask you dad to borrow his truck?_

**_shelbs, 07:07 p.m._ ** _Anything for you. Now hurry up because I'm craving some lychee ice cream._

**_07:07 p.m._ ** _ok ok i'll be there in less than a minute_

_//_

June 2019 - 11th Grade

" Are you walking me to class today? '' Toni heard the voice coming from behind her, 

" Because the bell is about to ring and you aren't by the entrance like you always are"

She grabbed the book she needed and closed her locker's door, " I wasn't sure if I should. "

" Toni, I never said you shouldn't be around me. That kind of defeats the whole purpose of taking things slow, don't you think? " 

Toni felt like she was fourteen again.

Desperately trying not to be a creep and make any girl uncomfortable with her gayness. She didn't want to make Shelby feel like she had to come out or make a big deal out of their kiss only because Toni was out and proud. 

She decided it was better for her to step back and let Shelby take the lead on the situation. 

The memory of Shelby saying she had wanted to kiss her for a long time and that she wanted to take things- although slowly- further were shoved to the back of Toni's mind. 

She didn't want to have a Regan 2.0 situation.

" Are you even listening to me? " 

" Sorry, Shelbs. I'm a little distracted today. Monday first period. Math, room 305, right? " Toni offered her arm for the other girl to hold. 

//

_May 2018 - 10th Grade_

_Toni was feeling good about tonight._

_She and a couple of teammates would be going to their other teammates from other high school Spring prom. Sure, she was excited about hanging with Leah, Dot, Rachel and everyone else from their basketball team but she was most excited about seeing Regan, a senior from her teammates's highschool._

_They had been going out for over three months after being introduced to each other by a mutual friend and, although, Regan wasn't out to everyone at her school, they could always sneak out to the parking lot and be alone, right?_

_//_

_" I'll find you later, then. Go figure out the things for the dance. "_

_Toni leaned in waiting for a peck but what she received was far from one. Regan shoved her, anxiously looking for people inside the bathroom stalls._

_" Not here! Are you insane? "_

_" What the fuck, Regan? You were the one who held my hand the whole night but now I'm wrong for assuming you'd want to kiss me? "_

_" I told you I'm not out! '’_

_" I don't give a shit about that. You could have just turned your face and I'd have platonically kissed your cheek. No need to shove me like I'm some animal you need to protect yourself from. And for the record, no one is even paying attention to us. I made sure of it so I could ask you to come inside the fucking bathroom with me before letting you go fulfill your duties as school body president. "_

_" Toni… " She tried reaching the younger girl's shoulder._

_" Save it. I'm done. "_

_//_

_Things were over pretty quickly with Regan after that night._

_Toni could deal with girls being in the closet, she couldn't, however, deal with girls that treated her like someone disposable. Someone they were ashamed of. Someone they would rather use physical force to move away instead of words._

_//_

June 2019 - 11th Grade

**shelbs, 11:37 a.m.** Can we talk? 

**shelbs, 11:37 a.m.** Maybe your car? At lunch. 

That was enough to make Toni's mind reach 110km/hour. Was Shelby mad at her? Had she done anything wrong? Was she pressuring her? Did she hate her? Had she found someone else better than her?

**shelbs, 11:38 a.m.** Please don't let your anxiety take over, Honey. I just want to talk to you in private.

Now it sounded more like Shelby wanted a repeat of Friday night. Toni still bounced her leg up and down until the bell rang and sprinted to her car.

//

When Toni got to where she parked that morning, Shelby was already there. Leaning on the hood of the car, waiting for her. 

" Get in, Baby. " as she opened the doors.

Toni had gone through every possible scenario in her head. She had thought about every and anything Shelby could say to her. Except for this:

" So does this not matter to you? "

" What? "

" You're this fiery, passionate person and then last Friday happens and you're so damn calm. I guess I just got to thinking that maybe it's because it didn't matter to you. " 

" Shelby, no, that's not it at all. " Toni exclaimed.

She didn't know if she felt relieved that Shelby didn't hate her or worried because of this huge misunderstanding.

" What's going on, then? You didn't even move a finger against that asshole on Friday and now you're acting all distant. Do you not want this? "

" First, I didn't want to fight him. He wasn't worth the risk- "

  
Shelby stopped her midsentece, " I've seen you fight people twice your size before for less. " 

" Baby, listen to me. He wasn't worth the risk of getting you hurt. Yes, I've gotten into fights before for stupid reasons that didn't matter at all. And where did that get me? I got hurt. Several times. Then, I decided I'd be a dog that would bark instead of biting. So I was mean. I threatened people back. I scared them off. Where did that get me? It got me angry. It got me so angry and with such a bad attitude I almost got kicked out of the team for misconduct in freshman year. I learned I can be loyal without being aggressive towards everyone else. Please, don't be mad at me for growing as a person. I'm trying so hard not to be the angry person I used to be, especially among those I love. "

" That's not what I meant. I'm sorry. It's true, you've grown so much. " Shelby put her hand on Toni's knee, giving it a gentle squeeze. She paused, looking like she was trying to calm herself before saying, " I'm not mad. I'm scared I'm going to lose you because of a kiss! " 

" You're not losing me. Ever. Not if I have any say on it. " 

" We barely talked today. " 

" Because I thought you needed space to figure everything out. Baby, I didn't want to put any pressure on you and make you feel like you had to rush to come out because of me. " 

" Oh ''

" Yeah, oh " 

They both looked at each other and couldn't help but laugh.

" Do you want to have dinner this Friday? " Shelby asked in one breath, avoiding eye contact.

Toni felt her heart beat louder with the invitation. 

" Do you want me to pick you up because I'm the one who has a car? " Toni answered with another question. 

" Well, I was hoping you would offer to. But only if you remember that I'm the one taking you out! "

" Oh, taking me out? Is this a date, Ms Goodkind? " 

" Unless I have to wait until after the first date to kiss you, it is. " 

" Come here. " Toni pulled Shelby in by her shirt to give her a kiss, " There's Takis in the backseat. I know you're hungry " 

The blonde gave her a confused look before reaching to the back seat and getting a bag of chips for them, " How do you always have these when I'm hungry? "  
  


" I buy them in bulk for you every month. Someone has to keep you fed. "

//

_October 2018 -11th Grade_

_" Score a three pointer for me, will you? " Shelby asked with a puppy face._

_" Anything for you, princess " Toni answered, turning her cheek to blonde so she would give it a kiss._

_She did. And Toni scored not one, but six three pointers. One for every letter in Shelby's name._

_//_

June 2019 - 11th Grade

" Toni! Wait up " She heard Leah yell , " Where were you at lunch? "

Toni gave her best friend a side hug as they walked to the parking lot together, " I texted you. " 

" No. I mean, yes. You said you weren't having lunch with me and the team today but you never said where you went. " 

" I was with Shelby. She wanted to talk. " 

" Is that code for having sex in your car? "

" Shut up, Leah! " 

" What? It's not like you haven't before. Several times. With multiple girls. " 

" Leah. " Toni said in a warning voice.

" Oh, of course. Shelby is too good for that. "

" Fuck yes. I wouldn't want my first time with her to be in my car in the school parking lot. And just so you know, I never had sex with a girl for the first time in my car. "

" That's more of a fifth date kind of thing, right? "

" Why are we even friends? " 

" You can't live without me. Now, spill the details. What did Shelby want to talk about? "

//

_August 2018 - 11th Grade_

_" Princess? "_

_Leah and Toni were the last ones in the locker room after the game. The rest of the team was already headed to their go to restaurant to celebrate their victories._

_" What? "_

_" You called Shelby Princess. "_

_" Yeah, Lee. You know how we call each other pet names and shit. "_

_" You know that's why people think you're in a relationship right? And the walking each other to class really doesn't help your case. "_

_" Well, I don't care. It's not like it stops me from getting girls. "_

_" True. It might make guys think twice before talking to her, though. I mean, you do look like her girlfriend. That's pretty gay. I don't think guys would hit on girls they think are queer."_

_" Oh, trust me, they would. But anyway, she is the one who started it " Toni said, trying not to care about the weird feeling she got in her stomach at the insinuation of Shelby dating someone else._

_//_

June 2019 - 11th Grade

Friday was finally here. Toni had no idea why she was starting to get this weird sensation in the insides. It was only Shelby. They had gone out to eat many times before!

She was almost finished buttoning her jeans when Rachel barged in.   
  
" Popcorn Friday? " She looked Toni up and down, " You look nice. Are you going out? " 

" Dinner with Shelby. That sushi place close to her house. " 

Toni agreed with her sister. She did look nice. She was wearing a light blue ripped jeans put together with her favourite beige jacket and a black shirt. Obviously, her go-to vans too.

" Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming. We can have a popcorn night tomorrow. " 

Toni ignored her sister's first comment, not sure what she meant by it, " Tomorrow sounds good! I have to go, is Nor downstairs? " Toni gave her sister a kiss on the cheek.

" Yeah, so are Mom and Dad. "

" Ok, thanks. I love you. " and left the room to say bye to the rest of her family. 

" I love you too, drive safe! " Rachel shouted back.

//

" I'm leaving, fam. " Toni said dramatically laying on top of her other three family members sitting on the sofa.

" You look beautiful, love. " her mom said brushing her hair with her hands.

" You do, kiddo. Do you have a hot date or something? " 

Toni got up and gave each a kiss on the top of the head, " Dinner with Shelby. " 

" So it is a date " Nora pointed out, making their parents laugh. 

" It's dinner with Shelbs. I love you! See you later " Toni said, already leaving.

" Only dinner? On a Friday night? Who is she trying to fool here? " she heard her dad whisper. 

//

_February 2019 - 11th Grade_

_Toni was pissed. Although she had no right to be._

_" Toni, you know why I don't do that dumb shit with you. " she could hear Shelby's voice over and over as she replayed the voice message, thinking about what to say, " I love you too much for that. You're too important for me to do these stupid ' recently discovered I'm queer while pretending to be straight ' things with you. You're my person. "_

_They had been at a house party earlier and Shelby took shots from the stomach of one of the girls in Toni's team. A bi girl. A bi girl who told Toni about the ' event ' as though Shelby was a conquest: the straight girl she turned gay for the night. It made her furious._

_In Toni's mind it made no sense for Shelby to do those things with other girls who liked girls but not her._

_Not that she wanted to do these almost sexual things with Shelby herself. Of course not. She simply didn't like when Shelby did those things with girls who definitely didn't deserve her._

_Toni had always been protective of Shelby but she was taken aback when she realised that, actually, she didn't want Shelby doing those things at all._

_She decided to send an audio message back._

_" You're mine. I know you're your own person and a powerful woman who owes nothing to no one and the last thing I want to do is belittle women but you're mine. I don't like the way some of these girls talk about you after you've done something as small as giving them a peck on the lips. They treat you like a trophy. And you're mine. Not theirs. Not anyone's. Mine. "_

**_shelbs, 01:09 a.m_ ** _. I am._

_//_

June 2019 - 11th Grade

They were back in the car, parked in front of Shelby's house, after stuffing themselves with sushi. Toni took ' all you can eat ' restaurants very seriously. 

" I had fun tonight. " 

" Me too. ", Shelby answered, turning her body sideways so she could face Toni, " I thought I wasn't going to be able to keep my hands off of you all night. " and bit her bottom lip.

" You know my windows aren't see through, right? "

" And did you know I still have at least ten minutes before I'm supposed to be home? " Shelby answered, pretending to look at a wrist watch - one she doesn't own and for sure isn't wearing right now. 

They both turned their heads to the back of the car.

" Backseat? " Toni suggested.

" Backseat. " 

//

“ Just to be sure. You didn’t eat any shellfish, right? “ 

“ No. You could have an allergic reaction just from kissing someone who did? “

“ Yes. I mean it when I say I’m deadly allergic to them.” 

“ I’ll make sure not to eat any mussels from now on. “ 

“ It’s probably a good idea. “ Shelby said a little out of breath as Toni went back to kissing her neck.

// 

" How was Friday? " Leah asked as the four of them, the triplets and her, walked together from the parking lot to the school entrance. 

" Yeah, Tons, you've barely said anything about it this weekend. " Nora tugged at Toni's shoulders. 

" It was fun. Do I have to tell you everytime we kiss? " 

" Well, now that she is kind of your girlfriend, I guess not " Rachel answered.

To which Nora added " Valid point, Rach. Are you guys making it official soon? " 

" Woah, woah, who said anything about girlfriend? " Toni stopped walking due to her confusion.

" Commitment issues? Really? Now? " Leah asked sarcastically.

" There is nothing to commit. We are friends " 

" Who make out ", that was Leah again

" And go on dates ", now Nora

" And act like girlfriends since before kissing for the first time ", and Rachel

" Is this a set up? I swear, guys, we are friends. Yes, friends who kiss. And we go out together like all friends do. Nothing's changed except for the making out part. " 

" Does Shelby agree to this? " Nora asked, concerned. 

" She was the one who suggested we took it slow. " 

Apparently, that had been a good enough answer. Toni was pleased that they changed the subject.

_//_

_May 2019 - 11th Grade_

_" Happy birthday, Honey. " Shelby handed her a cupcake._

_" Thank you, Baby. This looks delicious. "_

_Toni took a bite after hugging her friend, " This is delicious. Here, have some " and held it out for Shelby to try._

_" Hmm, It's so good. "_

_Toni decided to ignore the feeling she got from keeping eye contact with Shelby as she lowered herself to eat the sweet offered to her from the brunette's hand. She wasn't sure what it was._

_//_

August 2019 - 12th Grade

It wasn't until the last week of summer break before senior year that Toni realised what had been right in front of her the whole time. 

Suddenly, all of her sisters and Leah's snarky comments about the nature of her relationship with Shelby made sense. 

It took her countless make out sessions in the back of her car, weekly night outs, everyday late night phone calls, and tons of random flirty texts. It took Toni two months of all that for it finally to dawn on her: 

" I'm in love with Shelby. " 

  
  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first, i'm sorry it took me so long to post this! if it is any excuse, it's more than twice as big as the past chapters. it was a lot of work but so damn worth it! it might also take me a couple of days to post again but i'll make it worth your wait
> 
> don't forget to leave a comment if you liked it and remember, the next one is the last! 
> 
> is there anything you'd like to see that hasn't happened in this story yet? or already has and you'd like to see again...
> 
> stay safe, see you on the next update :))


	7. The beginning after the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " I'm sure. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hold on hold on hold on! before you start reading ( i know it took me ages to finally end this ) i have something to tell you!
> 
> for whatever purposes, i'd like to let you all know that toni would be sorted into huffle puff. think about it. feel free to discuss it with me in the comments. thank you.
> 
> hope you like it. don't forget to read the notes at the end too. 
> 
> enjoy!

August 23th, 2019- 12th Grade 

_ It took her countless make out sessions in the back of her car, weekly night outs, everyday late night phone calls, and tons of random flirty texts. It took Toni two months of all that for it finally to dawn on her:  _

_ " I'm in love with Shelby. "  _

  
  


As someone who grew up with sisters, she knew what she had to do. 

She ran around the house grabbing one sister at a time and dragging both of them to her room. Rachel, as usual, complained the whole time, whereas Nora knew better and simply followed along. 

Toni closed her door and fumbled her pockets for her phone before giving any explanation.

" So? Care to explain? " Rachel asked.

" Who are you calling? " Nora had a confused look on her face.

" Calling Lee. "

As the phone rang she answered, " I'm in love with Shelby ", Toni almost missed the excited faces both her sisters made as Leah picked up the phone. 

" I'm in love with Shelby. " Toni said again, starting to get used to the feeling. Before she could hear Leah's response, Rachel snatched the phone from her hands and yelled: 

" Leah! Get your ass over here, my sister finally figured it out! " 

" I'm starting the car. Don't you dare say anything else before I'm there, Antonia! " Leah answered loud enough so the three sisters could hear. 

Toni wasn't even mad. For the first time she didn't feel left out for the comments they made about Shelby. She finally understood it, she was in love with Shelby. 

" It had been right in front of me this whole time, hadn't it? "

" Yes, kind of " Nora smiled gently at her. 

//

" What made you realise, you absolute dumbass? " Leah shoved the door open, " Oh, by the way, your dad gave me this to bring it up here " she said in a much calmer voice as she pointed to the plate of cut up strawberries. 

" How long have you known? " Toni asked the girls.

" Since you met. " Rachel answered point blank.

" The day you went for sushi but I've been talking to Rachel about it since forever " Nora said. 

" Your eyes literally twinkle when you talk about her. Seriously, they have this brightness to them whenever you talk about her. " 

" I don't know what happened, it just clicked. " 

" She must be one hell of a good kisser to make you fall again after the gay disaster you were in 9th grade because of her. '' Leah said, making everyone laugh except for Toni.

She was too far up in her head for that. 

" That wasn't love. That was me being a kid and wanting attention. And meeting someone new for the first time in a long time and this someone thinking I was awesome for whatever reason. Now? I've never felt it before. " 

" What do you think of this new feeling, then? " Nora asked, as always, gently. 

" I like it. I think I've been feeling it for a long time but just now I put a name to it. " 

" What's the plan, then? When are you telling her? " Leah asked excitedly

" Don't you dare tell us you're not sure she feels the same way, " Rachel noticed the slight fear in Toni's eyes, " You're kidding right? Tons, the girl has held you through more panic attacks than Nora and I have combined. She loves you. "

" It's not my fault I'm triggered by noise and school happens to be the loudest place on Earth sometimes! " 

" Nobody is saying it is, Tons. We're just a little shocked about how oblivious you can be. " Nora said, taking Toni's hands in her and pulling her closer to Rachel and herself.

" That doesn't mean anything, tough. We are friends, she is supposed to take care of me. "

" Have you ever seen how she looks at you, T? " it was Leah's turn to chime in, " If that's not love I don't know what is. " 

" We are going out tomorrow. I could tell her and go from there. " 

" That's the spirit! Proud of you! " Rachel patted her on the back and almost tackled her shortest sister with a hug. 

//

" Hey, Tons, are you asleep? " she heard the light knock on the door.

Toni couldn't fall asleep. The thoughts inside her head were moving too fast for her to do so. 

" No. Come in, Nor "

" Can we talk? " 

" Of course. " Toni said, sitting up on the bed and motioning for her sister to sit down on the end of her bed, " What's up? " 

" You know you are worthy of love, don't you? " 

Toni felt her cheeks going red due to the discomfort. She managed to hide the shakiness to her voice with a cough. 

" What? " 

" I know you think you are this bad, horrible monster because people have told you so or made you believe so. But you're not. ", Toni tried interrupting but was unsuccessful, " I know you have all this anger, although you've gotten better at handling it the last couple of years, it is waiting for a chance to come out. I know you think we are better than you. I've known it since we were kids. That's all bullshit, Tons. You're a good person. One of the best. "

" What's your point? " 

" You shouldn't be so surprised at the possibility of Shelby reciprocating your feelings. She sees you for who you are. And who you are is pretty damn awesome. " 

" Thank you. " Toni said as Nora wiped away her tears and pulled her in for a hug, " Sister cuddles? " 

" Rachie is going to kill us if we don't invite her. " 

" True. I'm texting her. " 

  
  


**11:32 p.m.** get your ass in my room, it's cuddle time

**11:32 p.m.** nor and i are waiting

**rachie aka the sporty sister, 11:33 p.m.** yesssss i love some triplets timeeeeee

//

August 26th, 2019- 12th Grade 

**shelbs, 01:14 a.m.** Toni, are you awake? 

Toni was startled by the vibration on her phone. The only person she would properly wake up and answer in the middle of the night - any time, actually- was Shelby. Lucky for the blonde, who needed to talk. 

**01:14 a.m** i am now 

**01:14 a.m** what's up baby?

**shelbs, 01:15 a.m** Sorry for waking you up, Honey. 

**shelbs, 01:15 a.m** I told my siblings. 

**shelbs, 01:15 a.m** About me. About us. Everything.

Toni sat up in her bed, feeling nervous. This could end badly. 

**01:16 a.m** are you ok? do you need me to pick you up? 

**shelbs, 01:16 a.m** It's a hard offer to decline, really.

**shelbs, 01:16 a.m** But there's no need because they were extremely supportive. 

**01:17 a.m** fuck, that's amazing baby! 

**01:17 a.m** i'm proud of you

**shelbs, 01:17 a.m** Well, thank you, Darling.

**shelbs 01:18 a.m** And just so you know, they were very supportive of us too. As in, they approved you. 

//

August 27th, 2019 - 12th Grade

" This feels so good. " Toni said as Shelby kissed down on her neck in the back of her car. 

Although this had become common practice and a favourite ' after going out together ' activity - neither called their nights out dates avoiding having the talk Toni was about to start - the basketball player thought she would never get quite used to the feeling. She would always get the same blood rush and adrenaline she felt the day they first kissed. 

Shelby didn't bother answering, she kissed her away back to Toni's face, peppering kisses all over her face and focusing on her cheeks. A kind of kiss that only Shelby would think to give during a heavy make out session sitting on someone's lap. 

" I think I'm falling for you. " Toni whispered. She chose her words carefully. She knew she was in deep but it was no use to scare the blonde girl off. 

Shelby kissed Toni's cheek again, all the way to her mouth and ended it with a sweet peck on the lips. 

" Good thing because I fell already. " 

// 

Toni only allowed herself to freak out when Shelby waved for the last time closed the door to her house. 

" Holy fucking shit! This is great! " 

**triplethood**

**09:31 p.m** I TOLD HER SHE FEELS THE SAME CAN I GET AN AMEN HERE

**rachie aka the sporty sister, 09:31 p.m** A-FUCKING-MEN BABY AMEN

**nor aka the smart sister, 09:31 p.m** AMEN PRAISE THE LORD

" Leah? " Toni said as soon as her friend picked up the phone, " She likes me back! She fucking likes me back! " 

" Fuck, T! This is amazing! Come over, bring the twins. We have to talk! " she answered as excitedly. 

**triplethood**

**nor aka the smart sister, 09:38 p.m** DETAILS PLEASE

**09:38 p.m** i'm picking you up! let mom and dad know we're sleeping at leah's

**rachie aka the sporty sister, 09:39 p.m** WE NEED TO STRATEGIZE THE SHIT OUT OF THIS WE'RE NOT DONE UNTIL YOU'RE OFFICIALLY GIRLFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND 

//

" What's the game plan here, cap? " Leah asked when they were settled in the Rilke's living room for the night. Both of her parents went to bed and asked the girls to be quiet since " not everyone is on summer break, girls ". 

" I- I'm. Rach is the captain too, ask her. " Toni said in a defensive tone, suddenly feeling shy about her ideas to make it official. 

" Not in my wheelhouse, Tone, for once, I'm good with following your lead. Plus, it's your girl we're talking about. " 

" Come on, Toni. It's us. We know you thought of something. " Nora said nudging her sister with her elbow, " We know you're a softie inside, no need to hide. "

" I am not! " 

And Toni proceeded to tell them her plan. 

" You are such a softie. " Leah teased, " We have to cover some details, like do you even have either Melody's or Spencer's numbers? But sounds good, cap. " 

" Well, let's get this started. Can we design a build-a-bear and pick it up in person? " Rachel asked, rubbing her hand together. 

  
  


//

August 29th, 2019 - 12th Grade

" Hey, Pretty Thing " Toni smiled at Shelby's greeting during their daily phone call. 

" Hi, Baby, what's up? " 

" So, I was thinking. My parents and my siblings are leaving this saturday for some out-of-state meeting my dad has and they are not back until sunday evening. " 

Toni knew that. Melody and Spencer had told her that when she first texted them for help. 

" But, I'm staying behind because, well, I need to get ready for senior year " Shelby said dramatically. She couldn't see her, but she was sure the blonde had her hand up her forehead. It had been, clearly, a lie. 

Toni knew that too. Melody and Spencer suggested that Friday would be the best day to put the plan in action because of that exact reason. 

" And, not that I don't like the backseat of your car, but maybe we could move our post night out activities to my bedroom? " 

Toni gulped. She almost threw the whole plan out of the window. No, she would still get alone time with her girl if she followed the plan. Stick to the plan, Toni!

" Oh, Baby. This Saturday? I can't! "

" Oh " Toni could tell she was disappointed, " I didn't know you had plans for this weekend. " 

" I have a basketball team meeting. We want to go over some strategies and bond before the senior year starts. You know I'm co-captain so I kind of have to be there. "

" That's new. I don't recall you going to any of those in previous years. " 

Of course Shelby would be suspicious. Toni was a shitty liar. 

" Hm, yeah. We're trying new traditions since we are the older team now. Leave something for the future gen and shit like that. " 

" Ok, then. I guess I'll actually take the day to get ready for senior year. Buy some cute stationery items at the mall and pick up lunch. " 

Step one of the plan: get Shelby out of the house for at least half an hour. Done. \

" I think that's a great plan, Shelbs. " 

They were both silent for a few moments. Simply enjoying each other's company through their phones' screens. 

" I'm really close to ditching my team and just being with you all day. " 

" We have the rest of senior year for that. " 

//

August 30th, 2019 - 12th Grade

Today was the day. Toni was oddly calm. She knew what she was doing. They had a plan and more than one back up plan for fuck's sake.

Did they put it all together in the last four days? Yes.But Toni wasn't going to let that stop her. It was one hell of a four day's old plan. It was going to work.

Toni checked her phone for the time and quickly scanned the texts on her screen. It was 11:37, she had at least an hour before Shelby came back. 

**nor aka the smart sister, 11:29 a.m** Rachie and I are rooting for you. Text us if you need anything.

**lee rilky, 11:30 a.m** you got this, T.

**melody goodkind, 11:34 a.m** Shelby just sent me a picture of her inside an Uber. It's showtime. 

**spencer goodkind, 11:36 a.m** Bro if it's not too much to ask, can you like feed the fish in my room? Completely forgot about them

Toni unlocked the Goodkind's residence front door with the key Melody lent her. Step two: get in the house. Done. 

Step three, four and five were easily done after Toni was in Shelby's room. She wasn't the most indoor decoration person but she was very proud of her work. Her phone screen let her know that it was 12:26 now. 

All she had to do was wait for her girl. And, hell, wouldn't she wait forever for her? 

//

Toni knew Shelby would come in any time now. She had heard the girl come in and drop some shopping bags on what she assumed had been the kitchen counter. Was she seriously going to have lunch before coming into her own room?

The answer is no. When Toni was contemplating texting Leah with updates the door was swung open. 

" Toni " it's barely audible. Shelby looks like she is trying to take it in all at once. The flowers all over her bedroom. The bags of Takis alongside them. The girl in the middle of her room holding what she would later describe as the cutest teddy bear ever. 

" Hi, Baby. " Toni says before taking one of Shelby's hands and holding the custom made teddy bear with the other, " I had all this speech planned but I'm not so sure I remember it, right now. " 

" Give it a try for me. " 

" I want us to be official. I want to call our night outs dates. I want to be able to answer people's nosy questions about us with ' Yes, we're dating. So What? '. I want you. All of you. I want to go on elaborate dates with you only for us to find out that hanging out in my car will always be the best option. I want to introduce you to my sisters and Leah as my girlfriend because they love the idea of us together. I want to learn what it means to truly and deeply love someone for all their flaws and imperfections. And, before you say anything, I couldn't care less about you not being ready to come out. I know what you're thinking: I have suffered before in the hands of closeted girls. True. But I've also never felt this way before. I've never felt so understood and appreciated. I want you. I want you to be mine. Will you? Be my girlfriend? "

  
Shelby kissed her. 

" What does the bear say? I'm assuming it has a voice recording inside of it. " 

Toni handed it to her, without letting go of their linked hands, " Squeeze its hands "

" I love you. " It was Toni's voice.

Shelby smiled her pageant queen smile and murmured against Toni's mouth, before kissing her again: 

" I love you too, my beautiful girlfriend. " 

This was about to be the best year of Toni's life. So far. 

// 

September 3rd, 2019- 12th Grade

" There you go. Have fun in Chem. " Toni said as they approached Shelby's classroom, " Girlfriend " she whispered the last word in her ear, making the other girl smile oh so widely.

" Thank you, Honey " and kissed the shorter girl's cheek, " I'll stop by your room so we can go to your car together for lunch, ok? " 

" Yes, Baby." 

Toni was about to leave, not before giving her signature peck on the blonde's forehead, when Shelby grabbed her face and kissed her goodbye. 

Toni got caught up in the kiss but she couldn't afford getting too carried away and allowing Shelby to make what could be a huge mistake. She took two step backwards, distancing herself from her girlfriend so she could ask: 

" Are you sure? "

Shelby cut the space between them and said, " My siblings know, I was thinking we could tell your parents soon, all our friends know, half the school thinks so. And like you said, no one will care enough to tell my parents. And even if they did, I got the best girlfriend in the world by my side. " and she, in a gentler way this time, grabbed Toni's face and kissed her again. 

" I'm sure. " 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you. i don't know if I've mentioned it before but this is my first fanfic so, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for sticking through this with me. 
> 
> also, i hope it didn't disappoint you the overall lack of angst in this ( tonishalifoe3 i'm talking to you )
> 
> it was my idea from the start to write a light sweet fic. i feel like sometimes, and this is in no way criticism, we get caught up in the heaviness of it all., homophobia, violence, secrecy, that it is easy to forget that queer kids deserve a chance at happiness too. queer kids deserve a happy ending. whichever way a happy ending is to each person. because it does happen. and it should be celebrated. 
> 
> as always, lemme know what you think in the comments.
> 
> stay safe, take care, 
> 
> thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading. lemme know what you think is gonna happen next in the comments below!


End file.
